The Offensive Line

I don't watch football nor do I try to act like I do. I know of a few teams only because my husband loves watching football and even has his own fantasy team with the guys. What a fantasy team means to me...well, I am not entirely sure. I just know that whenever it is time for his player to perform, for whatever reason, they seem to always be injured and he seems to be annoyed by it. There are many cultural or mainstream activities and interests that I haven't connected with like many of my peers. Perhaps it is because I was born to immigrant parents whose focus wasn't on football, having the latest toys or gadgets or going out for brunch with the girls. Their focus was on being self-sufficient, going to the same Asian supermarkets every Saturday for groceries and cooking at home. I did not grow up having play dates, wearing cute dresses that I could twirl in or having other kids I could relate and hang out with at school.

In fact, I struggled to make friends despite my natural social demeanor. I have always felt out of place amongst my peers. The people I felt that understood me or accepted me were either far older or younger than me. Perhaps people my age could sense something was different about me, but couldn't put their finger on it. Perhaps I had been alone long enough that it was more comfortable for me to do my own thing. It doesn't really matter though because all I know is I have lived my life feeling the tension of never fully fitting in.

To not feel connected, relatable, accepted or welcomed is uncomfortable to sit with. As someone who has had to sit in those "time-out" chairs, where the separation of myself from others felt like a punishment, I have spent my fair share sitting, reflecting and analyzing every detail of my own existence.

It use to bother me. How could it not? I grew up to be someone who tried to make sense of the world around me because I was very much confused in it most of my life. I would pay attention to nuances, behaviors, comments and any other detail that could give me a clue to assess a dynamic I was getting into. It was a trauma response to growing up in an envirornment where nothing was something, a yes really meant no and a cold shoulder was enough to say everything without a word. It was confusing. Mixed-messages for sure.

My drive to have clarity, acceptance and validation began to shape the look of what I wanted to have in my life. Anything outside of that marked a clear distinction between safe and unsafe. It was basic human survival to think that way; a black-and-white mindset that only was separated one thing - an offensive line.

The offensive line was simple. An altercation, a misuse of a word, a comment, a look, anything that could be misconstrued would cue me to stop, replay in my mind what I did wrong and ultimately leave that moment feeling offended. It was not the type of offense where I walked around being mad at everyone for bothering my plans or getting in my way. It was quite the opposite. It was me walking on eggshells trying to not give others a reason to dislike, reject or judge me. I tried to control my natural feelings of not belonging through keeping myself "likeable". I did my best not to offend anyone else.

But it was impossible to uphold.

Our world is full of people who get offended by anything and everything, including myself. Of course it makes sense why we go around filtering our words, values and beliefs around people who share a difference of opinions. Of course it makes sense that our initial response to conflict, disagreement and general confusion in daily interactions with people is to judge, condemn or gossip about others as a grievance to our offense.

I have never thought about wanting to be someone who "couldn't be offended" as a personal goal ever in my life. However, after coming to faith, I have noticed I have dramatically reduced my sensitivity to unclear, or in some situations very clear, conflicts. What people do or don't do does not bother me the same way as it used to. It is rare now for me to take things personally, but of course, I am human and not immune to being offended. But the line of offense that once was a tight circle near and dear to my heart now has expanded beyond my reach. It allows me now to hear something and let it roll off my shoulders, like water that is poured on an oily surface.

It is freeing to experience that type of heavenly hand from having a relationship with God that protects your heart and soul from the things that rot us from the inside out. There isn't a step-by-step process to be "less offended" but I do know that being aware of the moments where we feel reactive, easily bothered or judgmental is a good place to start. I do have to say that I stopped taking things personally and making every moment about myself ceased as a result of my coming to faith experience.

It wasn't something that happened overnight nor in a year. It was a slow softening of my heart that allowed me to step back enough to see the truth that in most situations than not, other people's comments, judgments, or looks are never about us, but a reflection of what they are experiencing on the inside of themselves. In knowing that, it has been easier for me to take things as a grain of salt, assume the best and to move forward without adding my own drama to the mix.

In the debut book of The Starting Point, the topic of forgiveness is shared through the story of a family misunderstanding and estrangement. This book is written for anyone looking to learn about how forgiveness for self and for others sets us free in our journey of coming to faith.

Purposeful Practices:

1. Do you consider yourself someone who gets offended easily? On a scale of 1-10, 1 representing nothing can offend you and 10 being that just hearing someone breathe too loud is offensive, how would you rate yourself?

2. Looking at your answer above, what is something you can identify that will help your score lower down by 1 point? By 3 points? By 5 points? Write down practical actions you can observe to expand your offensive line.

3. Forgiveness and grace go hand-in-hand when it comes to experience a heart change. What is the difference between the two? Where do you find forgiveness and grace in your life and do you feel like you are someone who is able to forgive and give grace to yourself and others?