Life as a Debt Collector

I was a professional people-pleaser for a majority of my life. I said "yes" to doing things when I really wanted to say "no". I became hyper-perceptive of people's every word and move; reading in between the lines of what was said and what wasn't. I made decisions out of wanting to be accepted, validated or loved that led me to abandon and sacrifice my dignity, worth and myself in the process. People pleasing was in my blood. I learned to avoid conflict at all costs and any correction from others was met with me taking it personally and spiraling mentally. I became certified in collecting and holding onto grievances that justified my perspective towards people. It wasn't conscious decision. The lens I looked through, shaped by my experiences and mindset, impacted my ability to process conflict, disagreements and differences without a critical eye and sensitive skin.

Over time I unknowingly became a debt collector. It wasn't a monetary debt I was collecting from them- it was all emotional. My acts of trying to be nice were not very nice at all despite me thinking "I was a good person." But what I thought was nice was actually self-serving and inauthentic. I couldn't see or understand that at the time but now I can see that my attempts at being nice were really me unconsciously trying to control other's perception of me.

It was only until recently when I had lunch with someone that I realized I was a debt collector. I realized that the pain and suffering that I experienced (and perceived) were the withdrawals made from my emotional bank account. Some withdraws were small and some were big. They came in the form of taking things personal, being triggered when someone did, or didn't do something I was expecting, and airing on the side of judgment instead of giving the benefit of the doubt (aka grace) to a situation or person. This withdrawal process was not only against others, but mostly against myself. I constantly was making withdraws without evening realizing it. Just like my actual credit card when I go out shopping and "just look", I find myself charging my card on purchases on things that I didn't really need to have in my possession.

The difference between actual financial debt and emotional debt is that we don't get a monthly statement letting us know how many offenses and judgments we have made. The only indications of debt came in the form of resentment, bitterness and gossip - all reflections of an empty, or overwithdrawn, emotional bank account.

Only now I can see that my issue was never other people. My issue was never learning how to balance my so-call "emotional bank account" and steward it with better discernment. I learned how to value and build emotional stability through understanding and following a strong spiritual practice. It was seeing how much emotional debt I had accumulated over time and knowing I could never pay it off that made me so quick to hold onto people and situations that would not drain me even further into emotional debt. It was my way of controlling a "fruit" issue than a "root" issue. I wanted to avoid the things that I put responsiblilty for when it came to my emotional stability. What I really avoided was the truth of myself. No one was making me spend anything I did not want to spend my time, effort and "emotional currency" on. I was the one swiping my card, not them. Yes they could offer opportunities to spend, to judge, to feel offended, but ultimately it was all me who chose to react and allow my poor spending habits to take over.

On that drive to have lunch I was listening to, "So Be It" by Elevation Worship featuring Tiffany Hudson, I got a revelation. The only way I was even able to be in that car, driving to see someone I had a falling out with and be in a place where I was willing to be open was because of Jesus. It made me think of when I was learning about Jesus and was introduced to the concept of Him paying the price for our sins as a means for our salvation. I remember how difficult it was for me to understand that. It is difficult to understand because that is not something a human could, or would do. My human mind couldn't connect to that concept and rejected the idea of salvation to get into Heaven. I thought it to be odd to want to be saved from Hell and so following Jesus was to avoid punishment and not because of a willingness to pursue faith for a "better" reason. It was hard to understand why Jesus died on the cross for "sinners like me." It didn't land for me as easily and I didn't understand it to the depths that I do now until the past few months.

We don't meet many people, if any, that would give up their lives, especially for someone who hates, despises and rejects them. We would do it for someone we love, but definitely not for someone we hate. But Jesus wasn't just human; he was God too.

God can do the impossible. He sent Jesus not only to help us be forgiven, he helped us to know what it is like to forgive ourselves and others. He sent Jesus to stand in the gap where we struggle to connect. It was in that car ride that I realized Jesus could not only help us be spiritually saved, but he could help us right here and right now. He could stand in the gap of offenses and pay the price for other's mistakes to release the judgment that we hold over them.

There was no need to hold something against anyone anymore. I began to laugh things off, even it they were truly offensive to the naked eye. Nothing seemed to stick to my heart the way it used to. I found myself noticing all the same details, but instead of using those details to fuel judgment, I was able to access a source of grace, patience, and love that wasn't available to me, and within me, ever. This change only showed me it was all because of my faith and trust in God that allowed for a heart make-over that could hold more for myself and for others.

Jesus paid off all the spiritual and emotional debt that I had. I no longer had to control, be anxious or walk with fear about withdraws anymore because my internal bank account wasn't in the negative anymore. If anything, I had more deposited than I knew what to do with. God deposited in me the truth and teachings of Jesus and because of that, my heart, my soul and my life has been overfilled with gratitude and grace.

In the debut book of The Starting Point, the topic of surrender is shared to show the process of forgiveness and grace. Freedom comes from surrendering to the process and trusting God through it all.

Purposeful Practices:

1. Do you consider yourself someone who forgives and forgets or someone who holds onto grievences until there is an apology? If you forgive and forget, what does "forget" look like to you? If you hold onto grievances, what would allow you to forgive and let go of the offense made by the other person?

2. Think about a time someone owed you money. How did that impact the relationship? How did you handle lending money to that person and were there any boundaries or guidelines around money?

3. Would you lend money to someone you knew couldn't pay you back? Would you do that for someone who talks bad about you? Would you do that for someone you don't know? Would you do that for someone who has a reputation for asking for money and never paying it back? What line are you comfortable lending money out to others? Now think about that from a spiritual or emotional standpoint. Do you lend your time, effort, attention to people who couldn't pay you back? Would you do that for someone who talks bad about you? How do you protect your spiritual and emotional currency and how do you know who to invest in?